Shit! Now I have to plan for reitirement!

Allie, me and our brother, Tommy

As long as I can remember, my sister, Allie, was preparing to go into the medical field.  As a small child, she was smart and obsessive about her school work.  She used to stay inside at recess to finish her work.  We were stoked!  Great!  A prodigy!  A goldmine!!! 

With this in mind; I changed diapers, babysat, and listened to hours and hours of her banal chitchat (she talked at six months which at the time seemed great).   So what if she told a long, exceedingly boring story that ran off our guests one Christmas eve?  It will all pay off in the end.  Except it didn't. 

Allie had great grades in elementary, middle and high school.  She was on math team, etc.  As she graduated from high school, she seemed ready to take the bull by the horns and make math and science her bitch in college.  She was pre-med the first year and a half in school.  Over Christmas break, she came to us to have a talk.  She looked like someone had died, which in essence I guess is what happened.  Allie changed her major to history with a minor in religious studies.  What the fuck?!  I told her that she doesn't need a degree to work at McDonald's.  Why do this?  Over the past year or so, she had been teasing me with an interest in plastic surgery.  An interest that I share, however, I prefer to be on the receiving end.

I went through the stages of grief, spending most of my time in anger.  I wiped her ass!  I hate kids!  All the papers I helped her write (or that I wrote for her) in High School!  All these things with the clear understanding that she would be a plastic surgeon!  In my rage, I went back and forth between suing her for breech of trust or fraud.  She misrepresented herself right out of the womb!

Allie has now graduated with a degree in history.  Who knows what the future holds for her?  The fast food industry?  Employment as a customer service representative?  The world's oldest profession?  Whatever it is, I'm sure I will be there to wipe her ass...

After reading this, Allie asked that I mention she changed her mind about the religious studies minor.  She possesses a  minor in German.

Realwomenacing

Am I crazy because I don't want to see fat and/or ugly people on TV?  The TV people who are pushing this travesty tell me I am but I don't know one person who thinks this is a good idea. Maybe I just have shallow friends. I think it should be across the board beauty though.  None of this ugly guy, beautiful girl thing.  Come on!  A little discrepancy is okay but Jonah Hill and Emma Stone?  No way! 

Does this make you want to buy Dove products?

I think it all started with the Dove commercials. Apparently, when someone mentions "real" women they mean fat and/or ugly.  I'm pretty sure it was some smart ass at Dove's ad agency. It had to be a man. He was probably out late the night before, drinking, waiting for inspiration to strike.  Instead, he's hungover from last night's debauchery reeking of stale beer, cigarettes & some fat chick who gave him a beej in the hallway by the men's room. He's facing the Dove executives, wondering how he's going to pay for his condo when he hears himself say, "Dove doesn't need gimmicks.  Dove is above that. Dove is about 'real' women."  The Dove executives like it. Real women cost less than models. They can save money and appear to take the high road at the same time. If they use women who already work for the company maybe they don't even have to pay them!  Of course, why a BEAUTY company would want to "celebrate real women" (meaning here are pics of unattractive people, enjoy) is beyond me.  Unattainable beauty is every beauty company's bread and butter.  If you show me a beautiful woman with gorgeous skin and tell me that I can achieve this if I try hard enough, I will spend crazy amounts of money.  If you show me some chick who looks like shit and has adult acne, I'm not buying ANYTHING you are selling!  Proponents of this movement say that putting the beautiful (photo shopped) women in ads gives women unrealistic expectations.  Hello!  We want unrealistic expectations!  In fact, we thrive on them!

If I want "real", I'll go to Wal Mart!