Globesity

We are fat.  We are fat and getting fatter by the day.  We all know this. Why are we fat?  A person with one ounce of common sense might say it's because we eat too much. Unfortunately; that small, lone, voice of common sense is drowned out by the chorus of fat apologists who come up with any excuse other than that one. If I have to hear it's glandular one more time, I'M going on a Ben & Jerry's binge!

Of course it's glandular!

I'm in line today at the convenience store minding my own business when I hear this labored, wet, rattling sound. At first, I think the beer near the exit has spontaneously sprouted holes. I immediately discount this theory as there is no stampede to drink any beer that might be escaping. I look around and see the source of the noise. There is a huge lady behind me in line. The sound is her labored breathing. Now I'm nervous because my CPR certification is expired, like I'm confident the lady behind me is going to at any second. This was not just mouth breathing. I have a cousin who was the most obnoxious mouth breather ever. He could NEVER sneak up on anyone. You could hear that asshole coming a mile away. This sounded like someone who had just finished sprinting and had a nasty cold. I'm eying the length of the line trying to figure out if I can make it through before the fat lady goes down. I have a bit of a Lemonhead addiction and I'm on a tight schedule. I've got to stay where I am and hope this lady can continue to move the sludge she calls blood through her clogged arteries a bit longer.

Don't mind me, I'm just an innocuous pizza stuffed with extra cheese.  Nothing to see here!

I nonchalantly glance at the items she has clutched in her chubby fingers. Chips?  Of course, salt and vinegar.  Candy bar?  You got it!  It's a double size Butterfinger.  Drink?  Hell yes!  Can't eat all that without washing it down with a HUGE Mountain Dew!







I pay for my Lemonheads and leave. I pass the woman as she waddles to her car THAT IS PARKED IN THE HANDICAPPED LANE!  Really?!

That's our problem.  We eat too much and don't move enough.

Generally repugnant

The big story now is General Petraeus banging his biographer. I almost can't fault him for that because how else can you ensure a fawning biography?  Of course, I guess now he's rethinking that "logic". Rather than get into the usual topics surrounding this kind of thing, I'd like to look at a part of this story that will probably go unexamined. Why in the hell do men send naked or semi-naked pics to women?!  Granted, Neither Petraeus nor General Allen did this (that we know of). Apparently, one of the original FBI investigators in Tampa sent shirtless pics of himself to the lady who contacted him regarding strange emails she received that she found vaguely threatening.

 Let me reiterate, a lady went to a friend who worked for the FBI because she was worried about her safety and what did he do?  He implemented an investigation which has already led to the downfall of the CIA director and, oh yes, SENT HER DOZENS OF PICTURES OF HIMSELF WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!  Who does this?

It's never the hot guy sending out pics. It's always the fat hairy one!

 More to the point, why do men think this is attractive to women?  First of all, once these pics leave your possession, they are out there for all to see. Just ask Anthony Wiener.  They will get passed around. If you are too old or stupid to figure out twitter, don't post pictures of your junk on your twitter account. Guess what?  That chick you know only from her profile pic?  Maybe not really someone you want to hold your political future in her hands.

Back to pictures of chests or junk not attractive to women. Chances are, if you feel the need to send inappropriate pictures of yourself to women, you are neither hung like John Holmes nor do you have the chest of Vin Diesel.  If that is the case (and it always is), STOP BEFORE YOU HIT SEND!  It will save you future heartache and possible dismissal from your job.