FACEBOOK RANT

We all know at least three people like this!

I realize that by ranting about this, I'm doing the same thing I'm about to blast others for doing. In my defense, it will just be this one time and I won't inhale...

I like to think that the creators of Facebook envisioned a social networking site in which you could reconnect with people from your past. I want to think they were trying for an extended family reunion feel. I realize this is the Disney version of their intentions. I saw the movie with the insufferably douchy Justin Timberlake & the guy who played the the nerdy virgin in Superbad. We have taken what could have been a pleasant way to keep up with people and turned it into a platform for people to unleash their narcissistic, delusional, passive- aggressive bullshit.

Almost gone are the days of the "I document my every move" facebooker. I didn't realize how innocuous they were until the rise of the passive-aggressive douches (PADs). They make the incessant documentors look like missionaries in the Congo. If you know me, we probably have a couple of these PADs in common. It is a rare day that I don't wake up to at least one post bitching about some imagined slight by an always unnamed aggressor. This includes ranting political posts calling everyone who disagrees with you stupid. I'm no Harvard professor, but then again, neither is the PAD to whom I'm referring. Exchanges between PADs is not even mildly entertaining. It's sad and usually ends up with them unfriending each other and then arguing like sixth grade girls about who cut the cord first (no offense meant to sixth grade girls). Someone called to my attention the fact that lots of these posts are made in the middle of the night when the PADs are either drunk or bored. I don't dispute that. Oftentimes, they will delete some of the more egregious passages once they have had a chance to sober up. Facebooking while drunk is like drunk texting your entire address book. No good can come of it!

Next up, people who criticize the hand that feeds them. Frustrated by your job?  Why not spew your venom on Facebook?  Certainly you aren't Facebook friends with your coworkers or, God forbid, your boss!  Because nothing says "please fire me" like posting nasty comments about your job. I've actually seen one guy who works on 100% commission bitch incessantly about his clients. I've also seen him turn around and try to make clients out of former rivals while boldly ignoring the things he said about them in earlier posts. Guess what?  Everyone has bad days, weeks, or years at work. Don't be the 1 dickhead out of 50 who feels the need to bitch about it to a bunch of people who just logged on to find out how their third cousin is doing. They don't give a shit!  If your job is that bad, find another one. If you need to vent, call a friend. Which leads me to my next point.

Just because I accept you as a Facebook friend does not make us BFFs. I talk to my good friends in person not through Facebook. Odds are I accepted your friend request in a rare moment of charity. I've since recovered.  I neither want nor need to see you out in the "real" world. I definitely don't need to correspond with you privately.

I have a newly single friend who called my attention to the Facebook Booty Call. She does not partake but she gets plenty of offers. This is apparently more prevalent in the over 30 category. My friend, who is gorgeous, will get private messages from men some of whom she knows, some she doesn't. Men, listen up!  If you don't even have her phone number, chances are she is not interested. It's not at all creepy to hit up someone you don't know with the FBBC!

Thank God for the hide feature. It has enabled me to check my Facebook account without being privy to the numerous slights visited upon some of my more self-involved friends!