incompetency, thy name is...me!

Cranberry Cosmo!

Today, Delores sends me to Big Lots for ONE MEASLY THING!  I think she does this because she knows: a) I can't be trusted to bring back more than one thing and/or b) she thinks it's funny to give me a task that I can't possibly complete while laughing at my ineptitude.  Anyway, for those of you who don't know, Big Lots is a big warehouse with inexpensive items.  You can get anything from holiday decorations to automotive stuff to (and yes this does exist) premixed drinks in a container shaped like a shoe!  On the plus side, they have cleaning supplies at reasonable prices.

I was at work when I realized I had neglected to get the stuff on the list Delores gave me last week.  I stop at the store to pick them up, hoping against hope, that I can get in the door, put the supplies away, then lie my ass off and say they were there all the time.  Instead, I get busted obviously trying to hide stuff.  I think this is what precipitated the trip to Big Lots.

Delores coldly appraises me.  She looks at the cleaning supplies that are half sticking out of my "hiding" place, smirks, and asks me if I have time to run pick up some kind of duster.  She says it's on sale at Big Lots and she can tell me exactly where it is.  

Delores and I have a long history of this.  She will give me a detailed description of whatever it is she needs.  I write it down, take it with me and return an hour later with either nothing or the wrong item.  These days, she gets the stuff herself and I reimburse her.  She only sends me on an errand if I screw up and say, forget to have things in place so she can do her job.

I'm wandering aimlessly around Big Lots looking for what I'm sure is a fictional product created by Delores to make me feel like a dumbass.  I finally manage to locate the cleaning supplies but have no idea what I'm looking for.  I call my sister for help.  She's not much in the brains department but she has TONS of experience talking me down from situations like this.  Here is a sample of our conversation:

Allie:  What are you looking for?
Me:  something long with a thing on it to get cobwebs off the ceiling.
Allie:  You mean a Swiffer duster with an extender?
Me:  huh?
Allie:  What do you see right now?
Me:  Godiva dark chocolate bar with raspberry, Toblerone & Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt.
Allie:  Goddammit!  Get out of the candy section and go to the cleaning section.

****5 minutes of silence punctuated by Allie's exasperated sighs as I try to find the cleaning supplies.

Me:  OK, I think I found them.
Allie:  You think?  Do you see stuff you can actually clean with?
Me:  kind of...
Allie:  I'm hanging up!
Me:  OK, OK, I'm in the cleaning supplies.
Allie:  Too late!  I just texted you a picture of a Swiffer Duster with an extender.  You can use it or ask an employee to help you. Bye!

I put down the really cool glow in the dark 6ft Halloween skeleton (I was nowhere near the cleaning supplies) and hightail it to the cleaning section.  I STILL can't find the fucking thing!

I do what anyone thrust into that position would do; leave!  I did grab a dark chocolate Godiva bar on the way out...