Capridon't: A plea to those wearing capri pants

Oh, hell no!

I think history will look back on the capri pant with disbelief.  It started slowly like any quiet revolution.  It picked up devotees as it bumped and bumbled it's way along.  We weren't worried.  It was the late 90's.  We had been through so many ridiculous trends that we just assumed the capri pant would go the way of the stirrup pant.  We didn't know how wrong we were.  Here it is Spring 2013 and capri pant season is in full swing.  Of course,  now we know that it is a disease that should have been summarily executed!  How I long for the day when capris were reserved for the middle aged woman taking the express route to the muumuu. Now it seems that everyone from my neighbor's toddler to the 85 year-old lady across the street has at least three pairs of capri pants.  We can give the toddler a pass but anyone no longer mired in puberty should steer clear of these abominations!

If it seems that we are ignoring the literal elephant in the room, here goes.  It is no coincidence that the rampant spread of capri pants seems to go hand in hand with the rampant spread of the American ass.  Apparently, the fatter we get the less we care.  Why not wear a pant that visually shortens the leg?  Cankles, who cares?  Capri pants have looked good on one person ever, Audrey Hepburn.  If you don't have her body, stick to sweat pants.

Capri pants were invented by Emilio Pucci in the 50s.  They were considered liberating because of the uber restrictive fashion of the time.  What does that have to do with today?  I really don't know.  In this time of pajama pants worn outside of the bedroom, can we really say that capri pants are a comfortable, less restrictive alternative?  I think not.  Capri pants brilliantly exploit a woman's shortcomings.  So why do some people continuously subject themselves (and us) to them?  The simple answer is laziness.  Why go to the gym or spray tan when you can buy a shapeless "pant" to cover up.  Hell, why even shave?  Do those few inches of fresh air on your ankles really make it worth wearing a capri?  They aren't THAT much cooler than a traditional pant but you certainly will be cooler if you skip the capri and go with a pant or shorts.

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