COLORIOUS

I'm pretty low maintenance.  I have to be.  My husband is a mega diva.  I pride myself on being easy going.  When I have my hair cut or colored, I am always willing to go with something different because it will grow out or fade.  Part of being low maintenance might be because I'm lazy.  Part of it might be because I work in a gym and can cover up any mistakes with a hat.  Whatever the reason, I have been very lucky with at-home color.  I figure, red is an easy color so I can't really do much to fuck it up.  Enter The Yankee...

Since she doesn't want her name posted, we will just call my "friend" The Yankee (which she is).  My usual DIY color was out of stock.  Instead of going elsewhere to look for it, The Yankee chooses one she thinks will be lovely.  It's bright red but pretty on the model.  I've only had good experiences with DIY color so it's worth a shot, right?

but it's pretty on the model

WRONG!  I have a few immediate red flags.  This color takes 25 minutes to process.  Really?  Not only that, it has a bunch of different steps.  Instead of just adding the color, you have some kind of shimmer serum and a color booster.  At the time, I didn't know that this color needs no boost.  Why do I have to add a booster?  Why isn't it just part of the color?  Anyway, I'm not one to let the directions stand in my way.  When they get overlong, I usually just kind of wing it.  How hard can it be?  Most cosmotologists I know are not rocket scientists.  I mix up the color, apply it, then sit and wait...

As I'm waiting, I happen to take a closer look at the empty color bottle.  It looks like an abortion:

This is going to be awesome!

This is where I start to get a bit worried.  THEN I take a look at the color on my hair.  I look like that old SNL skit, massive head wound Harry.  As the color is processing, my husband is wandering in and out of the room with a worried look on his face.  He keeps asking me if it's supposed to be so dark.  I show him the box.  He says that it's darker than the box.  He is a genius.  That's why I keep him around.

Head wound?  Maybe

Head wound Harry

I go through the 25 minutes of processing.  Then I'm supposed to wash it twice with the shampoo provided.  I wash it three times and STILL the water looks like I'm bleeding out!  My husband walks in and asks me if it's supposed to be that red.  At this point, I'm texting The Yankee and delicately telling her that this hair color looks like I'm having fucking brain surgery in my bathroom and what did I ever do to her to cause her to pick such a godawful color.  Since she has no dog in this fight, she tells me to go to hell and refuses to take my calls.  After I use up all the hot water rinsing the abomination out of my hair, I decide to take a deep breath, style my hair and see just how bad it is. 

First things first, I slathered the color on my eyebrows.  It will not come off with toner or any other things that get normal hair color off your skin.  I email The Yankee to find out if there is anything else that will take the hair color off my face.  Nail polish, she says.  I start scrubbing my face with nail polish.  I realize that I

I have lovely feet

haven't taken off my toenail polish since fall.  I've got a bit of an issue with one of my toes.  I get to work on that and reveal this lovely toenail.

Now back to the hair.  As I dry it, I can see that it's very dark and rather purple.  It bled red whenever it got wet for an entire week!  Below is the end result:

I'm on the right.  BTW, The Yankee is second from the left.